Everyone knows (at least) one.
The guy who is just always having bad luck with the ladies. And always talking about it. And it just never makes sense.
He tells you his story under the guise of seeking advice. But don’t be fooled! He is not looking for anything he can do differently. In fact, he is probably grooming you.
The Self-Proclaimed Nice Guy. The SPNG. There’s one in every bunch.
“I did all the right things! I got her flowers, I opened the door for her, I paid for dinner. And now she won’t even call me back…”
“I don’t get it! I sat on the phone with her for an hour while she cried about her ex. I sent her a text every morning wishing her a great day. And now they are back together…”
“It makes no sense! I never cheated on her. I never hit her. I even went to her family’s holidays. And after all that, she dumped me…”
(…wait for it…)
“…IT SUCKS BEING A NICE GUY”.
And all they want to hear is, “She’s crazy! Any girl would be lucky to have you!”
What these guys failed to mention might have been…
… that Guy #1 talked only about himself for the entirety of the dinner for which he paid.
….that Guy #2 told his friend “call me anytime you need to chat. I mean it.”
…that in the time that he wasn’t cheating on his girlfriend, Guy #3 became a Pro at “negging” with such gems as “I like it better when you don’t wear make-up, because I don’t want other guys to hit on you”.
If you are an SPNG, which is highly unlikely as you would have probably stopped reading by now, let me help you out. Think of the last woman you complained about. The one who rejected you for “literally” no reason. Try to be self-reflective and open your mind up to the possibility that any of these just might apply to you:
YOU’RE BORING.
YOU’RE NOT FUNNY.
YOU’RE RUDE TO SERVICE STAFF.
YOU’RE INSECURE.
YOU HAVE BAD MANNERS.
YOU’RE LOUD.
YOU HAVE BAD HYGIENE.
YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR EX.
YOU USED A COUPON ON A FIRST DATE.
YOU TEXTED ALL THROUGH DINNER.
YOU WERE SNAPCHATTING IN THE MOVIE THEATRE.
YOU’RE ARROGANT.
YOU DON’T LIKE ANIMALS.
YOU’RE INSULTING.
YOU DON’T ASK OTHER PEOPLE QUESTIONS.
YOU’RE RACIST.
YOU’RE TRANSPHOBIC.
YOU’RE SEXIST.
YOU GOT DRUNK WHEN NO ONE ELSE DID.
ETC.
ETC.
ETC.
Why are we so conditioned to accept that women should be grateful enough to have someone who simply promises not to cheat or physically abuse them, barring all other traits?
Why have we, as a society, been brainwashed into believing that there are two types of men in this world- “Nice Guys” and “Assholes”- and qualities such as humor, intuition, shared hobbies and interests, visions for the future, motivation, curiosity, creativity, attraction, and the ability to simply hold an interesting conversation are so far beyond the realm of reasonability for women that they deserve to be angrily criticized for not sacrificing all of those things every single time an SPNG feels entitled to a romantic relationship?
Probably because the worst types of SPNGs have been glorified since the dawn of time in the godforsaken film genre known as Romantic Comedies.
(“To me, you are perfect“, which really means “FYI, to your husband, you are not perfect, and saying this right after showing you a strange collage of supermodels is ACTUALLY a neg, to make it clear that even though you are not a supermodel, to me, you are perfect, so you owe it to me to leave your life and be my girlfriend, because no one else will ever be this accepting of you“).
Unpopular opinion: These movies are NOT accurate representations of love, actually.
Before you get defensive because you’ve always wished for a “movie-like” romance where the guy you do not find attractive stalks you to the point of giving in, imagine that this has ACTUALLY happened to you:
– The guy you repeatedly rejected is standing on your front lawn in the middle of the night, staring into your bedroom window, shouting that he does not accept your rejection and will not leave until you agree to date him, and rudely blasting music loud enough to disturb your neighbors, demanding your attention and compliance.
-The guy who has been a total jerk to you just interrupted your soccer practice, because who takes girls sports seriously anyway, made a ridiculous public display of his affection by singing to you over a loudspeaker, causing all of your team mates to convince you that you “owe” him a date. Oh, and he already went through your underwear drawer, but you don’t know that yet.
-While on a date with someone else, a man climbs a ferris wheel and demands a date from you, threatening to let go and kill himself if you do not comply.
-A high school teacher pursues you while you are on an undercover mission and posing as his student, and then gets angry with you for “lying” to him when you reveal that (good news! This won’t be statutory!) you are ACTUALLY in your 20’s.
-You’re at Saturday Detention with a guy who doesn’t know you at all, but who insists on “negging” you all. Day. Long.
-Your ex, who never committed to you literally or emotionally, says that he fantasized about killing your new boyfriend when said new boyfriend requests ex to stop stalking you.
Not so magical now, is it?
Take a look at this detail from the Wikipedia page of the classic 16 Candles:
“Undeterred by this latest rejection, Ted accepts a bet from his friends that he can score with Sam. For proof, they need Ted to bring them her panties.”
And this synopsis from IMDB:
“Jake makes a deal with Ted: If Ted lets Jake keep Sam’s panties, then he will let Ted drive home his inebriated, stuck-up, prom queen girlfriend, Carolyn Mulford (Haviland Morris), in Jake’s father’s Rolls Royce. They never get home because the very drunk Carolyn makes moves on Ted while he’s driving before passing out. Ted the Geek takes the opportunity to drive over to Cliff and Bryce’s house to ask them to take a photo of him with Carolyn together in the back seat of the car.”
This teen favorite that transcends generations glorifies sexual harassment, an entitlement to sex, exploitation, and a transaction in which a girl’s underwear is exchanged for an opportunity to date rape. You know. Normal stuff.
When you put it all together, you almost DO feel sorry for that SPNG! It’s not HIS fault that everything he learned about romance comes from binge watching every Rom Com he can find and taking notes on how best to manipulate a woman into giving into him.
Just kidding. It’s still his fault.
So can we leave all of this junk in 2018? Can we please have higher standards for dating, for ourselves, for men, for normal behavior? And can we PLEASE, for the love of god, have higher standards for Romantic Comedies?? If I have to hear one more SPNG say that his favorite movie is Love, Actually, I am going to Vomit, Actually.
Sidenote- Anyone else weirded out by the fixation these movie producers have on teenagers and sex? That’s a rabbit hole for a different day.
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